It is pretty anticlimactic to feel like shit since it is only January. Usually people are full of dreams and motivations of what they wanna achieve at the start of every year. Unfortunately, for me I am yet to untangle the mess I am in. On top of that I got sick. Again! What a start of a year…
Being sick has almost become a regular thing for me. Especially since covid, my immune system weakened a lot. My current mental state is not helping at all. I wasn’t always like this, oh well…
There was a time when I felt like I was at the top of the world. That I could do anything if I put my mind to it. I was able. But now, I just can’t snap out of this deep feeling of unworthiness, doubt, anxiety and many more. It’s like I am in this long hall where I keep running and running but can’t reach to the door at the end.
It’s funny that I find myself in this situation because I used to think that depression is not real. “Just snap out of it, don’t think too much and become happy!”. So ironic right?
Being cheerful is not an option. Everyday is a constant struggle to just be. No matter what I do, the same negative feelings seems to cling on to me. I have lost all interest in everything. Even those things that I enjoy doing. Depression is like a burglar that steals all the positive things in you. It steals all the functionality of being a normal human being. I can’t think, read, watch, even preparing a simple meal is a daunting task. It just leaves you with nothing but emptiness.
The thing is, I know what I can be. I know my potential and what I can do. The biggest problem for me right now, is that it’s affecting my career. Productivity? Not for me anymore… It takes immense force just to focus on one task. It can easily be mistaken as laziness but it’s not. Unable is the word. Some may not understand it. Like my old self some may judge. But it is much more complicated and I can’t put it in a word other than that.
It is not a choice unfortunately. Also I don’t think it is sadness. But maybe sadness was the trigger.
They key difference is, when I’m sad, I know why I am sad. The reason behind it is known. On the other hand, depression is like there’s is nothing. And yet I feel like dying.
I never thought I would go through something like this in my life but here I am. It just came.
As I’m struggling to find the words to write this, I just wanna say fuck it. Who cares as long as I am trying. At least I am trying.
I know I’ll get through this but not now it seems. It is difficult to talk about it with anyone. Even those who are close. I don’t want to. I’m so tired.
In the meantime, all I want to do is get away for a few days into the wilderness and just exist with the nature. Without any human interaction. Alone. Maybe with my dog and my cat.
I might just do it…
